do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
