Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
