help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
