Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
