I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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