theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
