miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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