One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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