if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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