he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
