My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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