Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
