You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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