I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
