is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
