her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
