i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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