have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
