I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
