I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
