eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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