are you so shy because you have an std?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
