And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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