Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
