Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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