i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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