i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
