my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
