I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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