but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
