I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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