Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
