toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
false alarm. still invincible.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
