I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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