my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
