but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
