You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
