She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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