apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
