You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
