My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There's always time for handjobs
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
