I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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