and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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