Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
