Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
