I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
