Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
