am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
