I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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