I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's blow job season.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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