I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
