i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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