so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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